Written by Andy Wimberly Licensed Parent Care Specialist
Is it time to speak with your parents?
If you think discussing the birds and bees with an adolescent is difficult, wait until you attempt to talk to your aging parents about their care and well being. Their retirement, health-care, their will, their money, medical directives, funeral plans, and legacy.
How do you begin to discuss the taboo with your parents?
Most should, but most don’t ...
On January 1, 1996 the first Baby-Boomers turned 50. By January 1, 2010 the Boomers will begin transforming into the largest elderly population in history while still taking care of their parents! Whether you are a Boomer or a parent dealing with these issues here’s what this means for you…
Boomers will spend as much time in parent care as in raising their own children!
Annual parent care costs can exceed $70,000!
Most Baby-Boomers do not know how to or want to manage their parent’s care!
Parent care may cost your retirement as well as your inheritance!
Medicare, Social Security and Medicaid will fall short of meeting needs!
Question # 1
Andy you said “The Baby Boomer generation is transforming into the largest population of the elderly in the history of the world. Would you explain that?
Andy:
Beginning in 2010 the number of elderly will grow from 40 million to 76 million by 2030; most of us are mentally and emotionally unprepared for dealing with our own aging ….much less handling our parents' aging.
The Baby Boomer generation spent most of the 60’s not wanting to talk to their parents. They will spend most of the next 20 years not wanting to or knowing how to care for them. Remember, this is the sixties generation whose watchwords, sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll and whose battle cry “Make love not war” have shaped their entire economic, cultural and political existence.
We are more prepared to deal with global warming than the aging of our parents. Our idea of a personal physician is a plastic surgeon that makes house calls. The only greater denial of this generation about aging is their fervent belief that Clinton (a child of the 60’s) did not inhale.
Question #2
Is the Baby Boomer generation approaching a time bomb when it comes to how their care will be provided and paid for?
Andy:
The real risk to the Baby Boomer’s future is not that the parents will spend the Boomers’ inheritance, because they are going to do just that. But because so many people are living so much longer the real risk is that the parents will also require the Boomer’s retirement be spent in their care.
The Boomers are purely and simply under-funded due to their own low savings rate and lifestyle funding, not taking into account that the Boomers will live longer than any generation in history. Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid will not be able to meet the astronomical future demand of the elderly in this country.
Question # 3
How does one attempt to discover what his or her parents' concerns and wishes are about their care and well being as they age?
Andy:
One attempts it by doing it, actually asking Six Critical questions outlined in The Parent Care Solution. The brilliance in these Conversations is that it places all the emphasis on the parents’ view of their long-term care future, their fears, their excitements, their opportunities and resources.
Without asking these questions, long-term care sort of resembles a conversation between two people dating where they are asked to decide about their child’s private school before they addressed the issue of whether they’ll marry. Once you have had the conversations, the more mechanical decisions of what to do, where to go, and what to spend become easier.
Question #4
You mentioned six critical questions/conversations. Can you describe these conversations?
Andy:
It is never easy to have these conversations but not having them sets you up for stress and heartache later.
The six conversations and a brief description of each
The Big Picture– a clear vision of your parents wishes, dreams and concerns for their care and well being as they age
Money – identifying assets, expenses and resources to last a lifetime
House – sell their home, downsize, keep it, how to use it, how to leave it.
Attention – determine the amount and kind of attention your family member wants and expects
Care – determine caregivers, explore facilities, and options that are available
Legacy – to learn how your parents want to be remembered and begin talking about their life memories
Question # 5
What if a child attempts to take care of his or her aging parents but eventually feels overwhelmed and regrets it?
Andy:
I don’t think there’s a caregiver on the planet that has not had fleeting moments of regret over the decision to take on the responsibility. Obviously, if the regret reaches critical levels and the mental health of the parents and caregivers are at stake, a decision has to be made to delegate the care to someone else if at all possible.
She is 54 years old and travels 50 miles (twice a day) to give her Dad his medication for his Alzheimer’s. And most everyday, unknowingly, he belittles and shouts at her.
As much as she loves her father, the amount of attention she chose to provide him is at times overwhelming for her. She told me that she doesn’t regret the decision to provide care for him as much as she wishes that she had someone to share the responsibility with. I think over time there is a mixture of both regret and desire for relief that comes from the incessant demand of being a CAREGIVER.
Question #6
How will we need to change our current mindset about how to spend our extra years in life?
Andy:
Our current mindset is that we reach an arbitrary age point, usually 65, where we choose to disconnect from our vocation, community or earnings potential and opt for a life of disconnectedness, non-identity, and global spending sprees.
The new realities all but laugh in the face of this industrial-age paradigm. This is true for a number of reasons:
The Boomers despite their illusions will not be able to retire at age 65, maintain their current lifestyle, support their parents, put their children through college, and book frequent vacations in Destin.
The Boomers will live longer than any generation in history thanks to medical advances, technology, transportation and food services.
They will transform from a culture of Boomers to a culture of bombers as they age, destroying finances, relationships, and systems.
The Boomers will place increasing demands on the entitlement programs of Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid without having a plan in place to replace them.
About the Author: Andy Wimberly, a licensed Parent Care Specialist, owns a successful personal advisory firm and financial advisory business in Jackson for thirty plus years. One of the processes he uses is The Parent Care Solution for clients wanting to address the emotional and financial issues relating to the care and well-being of their aging family members.
