I'm 52 and mom is 76. My brothers live out of state, so it's pretty much up to me to make decisions about mom's needs and look after her since she lives with my husband and me. Since dad died two years ago, mom has gone downhill, resents anything we try to do for her, and at times just plain nasty when we try to help especially with medical decisions. Where do I start? -- E.C. Naples, FL.
I love my parents dearly, but I'm a bit fed up with their constant neediness. They call me daily with updates and more requests to check in on them. I'm a critical care nurse, so it seems I've become the "family doctor." How can I get them to call their own doctor without seeming like I don't want to take care of them? -- B.N., Bath, OH
My 89-year old father insists on driving despite many recent fender benders. I'm afraid he'll be in a serious accident, but he's adamant about keeping the keys. What should I do? -- A.K., Indianapolis, IN.
This is one of the most frequently-asked questions from caregivers we get. So you're not alone. Lots of angry, frustrating conversations in families result when the older adult is insistent, in denial about his/her motor abilities, or just plain refuses to give in to the "meddling daughter who's trying to run my life!"
The issue for you is safety. This issue for your father is independence. Focus on these issues and try to arrive at a solution that embraces a win-win solution incorporating both safety and independence. Practical suggestions may include:
Dad keeps the keys but someone else drives him.
Look into driving classes for older adults and agree that if dad passes, he can legally drive.
Research alternative transporation through local senior centers for medical appointments, excursions, etc.
Consider Elder Mediation if you and your father cannot agree on any of these approaches.
I'm 52 and mom is 76. My brothers live out of state, so it's pretty much up to me to make decisions about mom's needs and look after her since she lives with my husband and me. Since dad died two years ago, mom has gone downhill, resents anything we try to do for her, and at times just plain nasty when we try to help especially with medical decisions. Where do I start? -- E.C. Naples, FL.
On the surface and not knowing all the details of your situation, it may be that your mother is perhaps suffering a mild to moderate depression, grieving your father's death, losing her home and independence, and feeling put out because she may be perceiving your kindness and reaching out to her as "butting into my business."
Role reversal (adult caregivers assuming the parental role and olders adults becoming more dependent on their children) is an increasing challenge as the population ages. Not only is your mother suffering, but I sense that you and your husband are feeling the burden of assuming responsibility for mother since out-of-state brothers seem unwilling/unable to be involved.
You've also lost the privacy of your home since mother moved in and are frustrated because of her lack of gratitude and compliance with your wishes. Both you and your mother could benefit from some counseling to work through grief issues, make a transition plan acceptable to both as mom continues to age, and learn about resources available which may relieve you of some caregiver stress.
If your mother refuses counseling, try Geriatic Assessment which is a comprehensive screening of phsycial, psycho-social, neurologic and other needs. UP
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! It sounds like a pattern has already been created by your giving in to their "neediness." Unless your parents are true hypochondriacs or have serious medical conditions, it sounds like what they want most is time and attention from you.
Have a conversation with them to discuss some boundaries. Tell them you need them to call when it's not medical-related.
Refer them to a medical gerontologist.
Don't feel obliged to drop what you're doing to come over for "check ups" just because they ask for it.
Set aside a time of the week (perhaps 2-3 times) when you will call them and stick to that schedule as much as possible.
If they are able, try suggesting they become involved in some type of community volunteering to get their minds off their own ailments and do something positive for others.
Classic symptoms of depression in late life include: change in sleep patterns (too much, too little, interrupted), appetite loss, lack of interest in things once meaningful, excessive guilt, low energy, lack of concentration, slow (or agitated) gait, thoughts or plan/intent of suicide.
If your mother has one or two of these symptoms, I recommend a depression screening by a counselor specializing in late life care. A typical assessment includes a Mini Mental Status Exam, Geriatiric Depression, Screening, and psycho-social intake. UP
Especially when families disagree and the tension mounts is the time to call in a neutral mediator who is skilled in guiding the family in a respectful, fair, and inexpensive process that will assist disputants as they make decisions. Unless your father suffers from advanced dementia, he should be present with other family members.
TRUCE! outlines the steps in mediation, gives case studies, and offers resource lists for many older adult services. Some families can follow the outlline steps in Chapter 5 if they are able to communicate effectively with each other and informally mediate a win-win outcome.
If some sibs are adamant, angry, posturing, or resistent, mediation will not work if a family member leads the discussion. By definition, a mediator is meant to be neutral, so it is highly encouraged to locate an outside mediator skilled at leading discussions with parties in conflict. UP
Patricia (Patti) Bertschler, founding partner of NCS, speaks extensively throughout Ohio on topics related to behavioral health and conflict in the workplace with her background as a licensed clinical counselor (Ohio #E1638), trained mediator, and her work at Parma Community General Hospital’s Behavioral Center for Older Adults and at Windsor Behavioral Health Center, Chagrin Falls, OH. Patti is co-author of TRUCE! Using Elder Mediation to Resolve Conflict among Families, Seniors, and Organizations published in 2004.
Older Adult Services through Northcoast Conflict Solutions include Geriatric Assessment (non-medical), Liaison for out-of-state caregivers, Elder Mediation, Depression Screening, Geriatric Case Management, Counseling, Education.
Our counselors and social workers all have years of experience working in the field of geriatric care, counseling and mediation and are skilled and passionate about helping caregivers and your aging loved ones.
Some services are covered by Medicare or insurances; others are self pay.
Please call (440) 262-3700 for more information or visit Northcoast Conflict Solutions
Our motto, "Making peace, one person at a time." We'd like to help your loved ones, too.
